‘I feel bad when I speak mandarin with my customers. It’s not good enough.’

‘First off, How do you decide that your mandarin not good?’

‘I can’t do the whole call in mandarin. I’m speaking 80% mandarin and 20% English.’

‘What happens in the call? How much do your clients understand?’

‘They understand.’

‘So what’s the problem?’

‘I wanna speak better mandarin. I wanna do my calls in mandarin 100%.’

(Well now that we know what she wants, we have a target, it’s easier!)

‘What would it give you if you did the calls in mandarin 100%?’

‘I’d be more professional.’

‘So how can you prepare for the words you don’t know how to say in mandarin?’

‘I can look them up before.’

‘How would you know which words you don’t know?’

‘..’

‘How about if you try what you learnt recently? Film yourself giving the presentation in mandarin, during which you have to use words that you may not know. And when you have to speak in English, take note of those words?’

‘True. That’d help!’

She’s noticeably happier.

‘What have we just done? What’s the process we just went through?’

‘Break down the paradigms. Evaluate their objectivity. Analyse their validity. Then identify what we want. Look for actions to get what we want. This helps us focus on what we can do rather than what we can’t do, so naturally we would be happier coz we are faced with the question of possibilities, not limitations!!’

Wow. Client came up with the profound realisation! #SelfCoaching!

Change the limiting paradigms to new paradigms.

You choose to be confident!

Continued from previous conversation:

‘You can try to be more positive and appreciate others. It’s the way you look at the situation. You forget the good things he does. For example, you once told me he filled in the insurance claim form for you, coz that’s what he’s good at. He doesn’t read about the trip because he’s not good at that. He picks food and put food in your bowl. He knows your favourite part of chicken and put it in your plate. Actually he’s really good to you. You just don’t remember the good things. At the dinner in the restaurant, he said we should wait for you to order. He waits for you to make decisions.’

‘Well..’

‘I said, “let’s order the fried rice.” He said, “let’s order the preserved meat rice instead. She likes that.’

‘It’s because he wants to eat that too! Not because of me.’

‘At Christmas dinner he put the wings in your bowl.’

‘Well.. that’s the least he can do..’

What does this show? It shows that we can choose to reject reality and project our own interpretation onto reality, which effectively dampens the way we see life! It shows that we can choose to be happy, if we choose to remember the good things that happen in our lives! It shows that happiness is a choice!

#ChooseHappiness #HeightenedAwareness #ShiftYourMind #CoachingIsGold

‘He treats others better than he treats me. He puts me in the last priority. I do everything in the house.

I have to make the bread. Look I’m at home all day making the bread. Everyone is out! I’m always serving others. No one serves me!

I have to look up the route of the trip. I brought books back and he doesn’t read them.. I’m always doing al the planning!’

There’s no stopping! She goes on and on! After a while it was obvious that she’s just venting.

It suddenly came to my mind that this shows the problem of some of us.

It’s the way we ask for what we want.

We think we are asking for what we want, but the way others perceive it isn’t the case. They think we are complaining and moaning. They just switch off.

We nag. It’s not constructive!

How can you shift your language to make things happen?! Rather than focusing on what you are not happy about, how about what you want? Or have you forgotten to think about what you want? Next time you’re unhappy, how about stop, breathe, think for a second, ‘what do I want?’?

Try this and make every networking opportunity a success!

In a coaching session last week:

Client: ‘I feel nervous in presentations.’

Me: ‘What do you say to yourself during a presentation?’

After a long silence, she said, ‘I ask myself “is my English good enough..? Am I clear enough? Oh I forgot the word.. Oh am I using the right word?” Today I wanna talk about whether I need to take English class.’

‘There are a few things. First, when you say ‘I didn’t go to an International school. That’s why I don’t have a natural accent.” is this a problem or a solution?’

‘It’s neither.’

‘How about if I say it’s a fact from the past that we can’t change anymore. That’s why we’re upset when we think about it. It does nothing but drains our energy. Instead, how about if we focus on what we can change?’

I probe further, ‘How do you decide your English is not good?’

‘I don’t use fancy words. I receive emails from colleagues and they use fancy words. That’s cool. When I see the new words, I look them up, write them down, so I can use them next time.’

‘Right! Sounds like you are doing the right thing already!’

‘True.’

‘What evidence do you have that shows that your English isn’t good?’

‘Eh…’

‘Sounds like you have none? What evidence do you have that shows that this thought might not accurately reflect reality?’

‘My customers know what I’m talking about. My colleagues have said I’m good.’

‘That means this statement “My English isn’t good” isn’t true?’

Silence.

‘And how did you decide that fancy words means you are an effective communicator?’

‘…’

‘What’s the percentage of people who you work with, or your clients, is native English speakers?’

‘1%..’

‘If you used fancy words, how many of them would actually know what you mean?’

‘…’

‘If you were them, and you spoke with someone who used big words you can’t understand, how would you feel?’

‘Embarrassed..’

‘What would you really care about if you were your customers?’

‘That they go through what I need quickly. Direct and simple. I have no time.’

‘Yea!’

‘Actually I use simple English.’

‘And how has it worked?’

‘It’s easy to understand.’

‘So what’s wrong with that? Why do you have to copy others? Why can’t you be yourself?’

‘…’

‘Do you still think you need to take English class?’

‘No.’