Client showed up to get ready for an interview.

She talked about her strengths, ‘I have knowledge of the subject. I implement projects..’

All boring stuff. I started drifting..

I wondered, ‘What do you think are your special superpowers that you have, that other people don’t?’

‘Oh, my communication skills, my ability to work with multidisciplinary stakeholders, actors, lay office-wide change, build cross-sector alliance, influence different levels.’ 

That starts getting interesting! She’s talking about leadership!

I remember, ‘That’s it! You told me there are hundreds of people applying for this, only 10 will be selected for the interview. All of these applicants have the technical foundation. They’re good at designing programs; they’re subject matter experts. The person who is going to take this role needs to show they’ll get things done, they influence, they have great relationships at all levels.’

I realised as a coach, my value-add is from my intuition, perspective, and most of all, my belief in my clients’ ability. In this case, I have known her for 10 years now. I know she’s an outstanding professional who has dedicated her whole life to the area. She’s the subject matter expert. 

It’s our belief as coaches that the client is capable of handling their own lives that gives them confidence to succeed. We are not necessarily telling them anything new. We help them see more clearly what they don’t see, especially their strengths. We help them take a step back, see the bigger picture of their situation.

(As I’m writing, I’m wondering, what made the first answer boring? I realised it’s because it doesn’t stand out. They’re not strengths she connected with. It was what she thought she had to talk about. On the other hand, the second time, the answers came from within; she gave off sparks when she said them. That energy is contagious. It’s electrifying. That’s charisma!)

This week, client cried in a session because she wasn’t getting any interviews.

‘I haven’t been able to get anything! There’s no job postings at the moment, they’re all digital, marketing, or communication. I can’t help but think that I’ve gone into the wrong career!’

‘What makes you think that because you haven’t got an interview you picked the wrong career?’

‘My friends have got interviews.’

‘What may be the reason they have gotten interviews and not you?’

‘Coz they’ve been in the same career all their life. Eg I have a friend in marketing, she’s been in marketing.’

‘What might be other reasons you haven’t got an interview?’

‘The economy is not good.’

‘How many people have you written to?’

‘How many of which responded?’

‘What makes you think it didn’t work?’

‘What did you ask?’

‘What additional new info did you get?’

Would you believe me if I said you have complete control over how you feel? You don’t have to feel disappointed / angry / sad! When you feel stuck / upset, examine 1. what you’re telling yourself? Ask: What evidence do I have for that? What assumptions am I making? Are we not ultimately the ones who upset ourselves by saying ‘I’m not good at what I do’, ‘I’m not good enough to get a job’, ‘I should be fluent but don’t speak well.‘?

Yes! It’s all in our head! Take that monster out! Contrary to what we think, it’s not because ‘the team member isn’t doing a good job‘ that upsets us. It’s not because ‘my manager is an a$$hole’. It’s not because ‘I don’t earn $x much’, ‘I don’t live in ______________, I don’t drive [that dream car]’. It’s because of what we think / make of our lives!

Yes, we don’t need that amazing 6-star resort holiday to be happy! We don’t need that person to say such and such to us to be happy! We don’t need anything to be happy.

(Side note: If you have a special profile, you haven’t been in the same profession all your life and you want to move out of what you’re in, you have to be creative in your job search, because recruitment consultants pigeon hole candidates. The first ‘HR’ screening is actually a silly robot / AI – they only know what to do with you if they see an exact match of your profile and the job description.)

This is so well said! Yes, we don’t enjoy being told what to do so why should we tell ourselves what to do?

For example:

‘I should work hard.’

‘I should be making $x at this stage of my life.’

‘I should be in xx position at this age.’

‘I should know what to say in the meeting.’

‘I should be articulate & eloquent.’

I recently learnt – what we think we need to be may not be ‘true’. 

Instead, we can benefit from examining our own thoughts: 

’Is it something somebody else wants for me?’

‘what am I telling myself now?’

‘What evidence do I have for that?’ 

‘What assumptions am I making?’

It started on a what seemed to be another regular one morning..

Made myself a cup of tea.

Was surprised the decaf tea I drink everyday was more tasteless than usual. 😰 Could only taste a hint of bitterness.

The next day, made some sourdough waffle- it tasted bitter / sour / some form of horribleness. Although the kids gobbled it down.. I thought, ‘they have low standards.’

Initially it was not a big deal. On the contrary, it was novelty. Different! Even refreshingly interesting! But after three days, no, it was not fun anymore. The days were tasteless.

Peanut butter was a new low. Just a sticky mess in the mouth. Before that, I didn’t realise peanuts have so much flavour, aroma, sweetness!

On the fourth day I was starting to get a bit impatient, especially having heard people lose smell for a month. I started eating strong tasting food, hoping it would come back any time. Tried curry. Still nothing, except a bit of stinging on the tongue.. I could sense the texture of the slimy onions but nothing else.

I stopped wanting to eat. There’s not much point. Ate the bare minimum to have enough for the body for the day.

On the 5th day I was so bored with eating ‘nothing’! I was dying to eat out, scouring the internet for places I haven’t been yet, and then remembered, ‘there’s no point! I won’t taste anything!’

Everyday I looked for something new to try, hoping I’d start tasting again! 

On the 7th day, I thought, ‘why don’t I try ice cream? I should be able to enjoy it!’ Walked into a café, ordered a cheesecake with icecream. Was surprised how disgusting it ‘tastes’.😱 A bit of acidity, and the muddy sticky texture. It felt like I was eating mud / clay / playdoh.. 😰

If I hadn’t lost my smell, I wouldn’t have known tea can taste so good. Chocolate chip cookies taste so good. Life can be so good when we really taste it..

In the end it was the old cliche: you don’t know what you have until you lose it.

This lesson really showed me ‘stop and smell the roses’!

Mum made a new dessert: chestnut pudding with sago.

Mum didn’t ask me what I think. (Maybe coz I usually say ‘it’s good’ so my opinion is of no value.😅)

I said, ‘it’s delish!’

Mum, ‘it’s a bit too watery.’

‘Well it’s not perfect but it’s good! Also, what’s ‘perfect’ anyway? It’s just different preference, isn’t it?

Some people like their soup thick, some like it thin, some like their pasta al dente, others would say it’s undercooked. Some would cook their pasta for longer, some would say it’s soggy.

Brother come home, digging into it.

Mum said, ‘what do you think about the pudding dessert?’

Brother, ‘Oh you put evaporated milk.’

Mum, ‘Oh my god. Yea! How could you tell!?’

Brother, ‘and you used custard powder. it’s better to make custard from scratch next time. The sago is also overcooked.’

😱 There’s nothing good about it at all! All I knew was, I was soooooooo happy to get to eat chestnut sago pudding that I didn’t have to make. It’s home-made. It’s natural. It tastes good.’

When we are critical, we are secretly proud of our search for quality. But in the end, who’s to suffer, when we aren’t happy with the ‘quality’?

Maybe we can choose to look at the positives and enjoy our success before looking for improvement opportunities?

Got a phone call today from an unknown number.

Me: ‘What other strengths may you have?’

Client: ‘Oh, yes.. I’m quiet.’

*Er.. Ok… How is that a strength?!* ‘What does that mean..?’

‘Well, I don’t speak much. I’m happy to be quiet and just listen. When I’m working I don’t like to talk about anything other than the flying.’

‘How is this a strength to the company?’

‘So you can concentrate on doing a good job. I’m different from other pilots who love talking and gossiping. If you do that all the time you get distracted! It’s a safety issue! I’ve heard others complain that I’m boring, that I don’t say a word at work, unlike some others who usually don’t like the silence!’

Next time when you go on an interview, talk about the why! Don’t just say what you’ve got or what you’ve done, but why this is important to the future manager / company / team! Connect the dots for them! Do the hard work for them! Don’t give an amazing performance telling your amazing career story and then leave the interviewer hanging there with ‘so..?’! What good does it do if they can’t connect to what matters to them?!

Earlier this year I wanted to order some flowers for Mother’s Day. I contacted the best person I know for arranging flowers.

‘I can’t do it because I’m now abroad studying interior design!’

I was pleasantly surprised, ‘how come?!’

‘It’s because of you!’

‘How’s that?!’ I was baffled.

‘Yes it’s the coaching we did!’

I remember she used to work as an analyst and did flower arrangements as a side gig. She was a creative who found herself in the wrong place. She had chosen a ‘good’ career according to definitions held by society. I gave her a taster session of career coaching. I asked her what she’s afraid of about making a change, what would be the minimum she would have to live on, what could be the worst that could happen. She didn’t seem to want to make any changes in her life even though she didn’t seem happy.

We hadn’t been in touch since. I didn’t think the coaching would lead to any change because coaching is not the same as consulting / mentoring / training, which are mainly knowledge transfer. Coaching is a process in which change and growth happens over a period of time.

‘You know the testimonial you asked for a while back? Sorry I haven’t done it yet. Can I do it now?’

‘Yes of course!’

I’m glad to know she took charge of her life and pursued her dreams! This is why I love my job! Changing lives!

#CreateHappiness #OwnYourLife #CoachingIsGold #HeightenedAwareness #ShiftYourMind #WhatIsCoaching #DemystifyCoaching

Last week I met up with an old friend from school. She asked me a question that got me thinking!

‘What do you do now for living?’

‘I am a coach. I help people gain confidence and find ideas to deal with their challenges at work.’

‘How does it work?’

‘They usually come to me because they heard about me from a friend or a colleague. It maybe because they want to feel more comfortable dealing with their boss. Maybe they want to feel more at ease when they present to the big shots at work. Maybe they want to figure out how to handle a difficult employee. Maybe they want to work out how best to get buy-in. Maybe they feel they can be more effective in their job but don’t know where to start..’

‘How long is the program?’

‘Depends. Each individual is different. Usually any lasting change requires at least 3 months. If they are busy, they may go for a session once a month, and use a package over a year. If they have a challenge they urgently want to manage like getting a job, they may use a package in a month. I had a client who didn’t have a job so she finished a package in a month! But another client is a busy executive so he only shows up every 2-3 months.’

‘Does it mean that coaching is for people who are not good at their job?’

That’s an interesting question! I never thought about it that way! It’s also interesting that someone from outside the industry got that impression.

‘Actually my clients are usually very talented, committed to self improvement and eager to learn. They are usually above average performers.’ Admittedly this is also my preferred demographics..

Her question got me thinking.. What kind of people usually go for coaching?

I realised, ‘they also have a sense of awareness that they deserve and can have a better state – that they could be happier, or more confident, or more effective.’

‘Coaching is also driven by the individual. They have to want the change. They’re the one who initiates it. And at least for my clients, they often pay out of their own pocket. No one is pushing them to do anything different in their life. So they have to be self-driven and motivated enough.’

Thinking about it reminds me of an article I read about coaching – that it should be given to the core 60% performers!

#WhatIsCoaching #DemystifyCoaching